Going to Seminary

There is a generation of pastors ministering today who were taught that they should take care of the church and let God take care of their families. As a result, the term “PK” exists among parole officers to refer to a pastor’s kid. It’s very easy to completely pour oneself into ministry to the detriment of family. After all, you’re doing God’s work, right?

What I’ve learned is that it is easy to do the same thing with seminary. Since I work full-time and am married with two children I only take two classes per semester. This also explains why I am on the fifth year of a three-year degree. It would have been nice to be done earlier, but the cost would have been too high to my family. In fact, there are times when I wonder if it is already too high.

My wife stays at home with our children. Our daughter just started second grade and our son just started preschool. The last three years in particular have been pretty taxing on my wife since our son was born. There are days when I leave the house before the kids get up and I don’t come home until they are in bed. Although they are generally well-behaved, they tend to get a little unruly when they don’t have enough daddy time. They accept the fact that I am in school, but they definitely like the breaks when I’m not.

I am committed to maintaining a personal devotional life. I also am committed to getting regular exercise as I believe it is vital to both physical and spiritual health. Plus, I want to excel at school for a few reasons. One is that I like getting good grades, though that is not the primary reason. Another is that I go to a very small school and actually know the professors. I feel like I would be insulting them if I didn’t try my best (I didn’t worry about that so much at Ohio State). But the best reason is that I want to do good work for God’s glory, just like the men who laid interior stones in European cathedrals did their best because they considered it to be an act of worship even though no one would ever see their work.

The problem is that I only have 168 hours in the week just like everyone else. I have found that I do not do well if I get less than seven hours of sleep for more than a few days in a row. How do I get things done without sacrificing my family on the altar of seminary?

One thing I do is set an early alarm. I have my devotional and exercise times before everyone wakes up. This means waking up around 5:00 AM most days. I found that waking up at the same time every day makes it easier. This is important to me because I do not want to sacrifice family time.

Another thing I do is to remain opportunistic with my time. I do vocabulary flashcards on my iPod Touch that I carry with me everywhere. I do them when I’m walking around my office, for example. I do homework at lunchtime when I’m at work. That makes me a bit antisocial, but it also preserves my time for my family. I do homework while my daughter plays with friends and my son naps. I do homework most evenings after the kids go to bed. This of course also means that I need to take time out for date nights with my wife. Funny, but God always seems to supply the time I need for that.

What I try not to do is waste any time. I used to love video games, but rarely play them anymore. I have some guitars, but don’t have much time for them either. I never watch TV and will only watch a movie with my wife. This may seem like a huge sacrifice, but I’ve found that entertainment isn’t as entertaining as I once thought it was.

Ultimately, I’m responsible for the three disciples at my house. I don’t want my kids to join the ranks of PKs who hate the church and their dads. I don’t want my wife to resent it or me. I’m doing my best to serve them and disciple them. To do that I need to remain focused on making the best use of my time.

Parents – how do you handle this?

I have a problem.  I think I’m a pretty good husband.  Well, I guess it isn’t such a problem that I think that, but rather, the problem is how I came to that conclusion.

See, the world is full of crummy husbands.  There are guys out there who ignore their wives and substitute her for work, sports, friends, and any other countless thing.  There are husbands who talk down to their wives and treat them more like a servant than a lover.  There are husbands who constantly fight with their wives.  There are husbands who only think of themselves and never consider the feelings of their wives.

My problem is that I look at all these guys and think, “man, not only am I a good husband, but BOY is my wife lucky to have me!”

I’m not sure exactly when I had the epiphany, but there was a day when I was pondering how great my wife had it when I realized, “I’m not that great.”  The real problem was that I was comparing myself to the wrong standard.  I thought that, compared to most husbands out there, I’m a real catch.  But then I was reminded that I should be comparing myself to the perfect man, Jesus.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and ?gave himself up for her.

Uh-oh!

Suddenly I realized that not only did my wife not have a “catch” but she actually got a raw deal.  I realized that I’m just as selfish and unloving as the next guy when compared to Jesus.

At that moment, and every time I have that “I’m better than that guy” thought, I force myself to look at the cross and ask God for mercy and grace to be a better husband.

As a seminary student it is easy to begin to think much more highly of yourself than you ought.  You can look around at a lot of crummy husbands out there and think, “I’m pursuing a noble calling.  My wife is so lucky to have a husband that is so passionate about Jesus and his church.  She sure has it good.”  Friend, it is time to look to the cross.  We have all failed to love our wives as we ought.

Being married in seminary can be difficult. Making sure you don’t kill your marriage on the alter of academics is a balancing act we will all walk. Add children and a job and your complexity level just went through the roof.

To make sure that we’re keeping everything in balance, many of us go about a day and weeks with schedules and check boxes. Wake up – Check. Read Bible – Check. Go to class – Check. Read and study – Check. Spend time with family – Check. Watch a little TV – Check. Ahhh, a balanced day! Everything was checked! All must be well with the world.

Well, maybe not.

On couple weeks ago, on Sunday, I was in my office working on a project for Going to Seminary and my wife came in and I knew she was a little frazzled. She said she was taking the kids to the playground and that they were driving her crazy.

The way she said it, I knew that her current state was not just the fault of the kids, but also yours truly. However, I looked (figuratively) at my check boxes and everything seemed fine. I had worked all week – check. Was home for every dinner – check. Helped put the kids to bed – check. Spent time with the family on Saturday – check. Gone to church as a family – check. It was all checked.

But here I was, listening to my wife and knowing that though MY checkboxes were all full, something was wrong.

The main problem is that balance isn’t just about checkboxes (though the type-a in me wishes it were). When real people, real emotions, (and real toddlers) are involved, simply saying “I did my part” isn’t the right answer.

At the playground we talked a little bit and both clarified the unspoken expectations that we both had. For me, I was reminded that my wife and kids aren’t a checkbox. They are people that I love and care about. That means that some times, though I feel I “earned it,” I need to lay aside some of the things I want in order to love my wife and kids.

For you, it might honestly mean not studying for a test and taking a bad grade. It might mean not reading chapters 15-20 and not having anything to contribute to the class discussion the next day an looking bad in front of your peers when you don’t know answers to the professors questions. It might mean writing a 15 page paper instead of the required 20 and, gasp, getting a C- in a class instead of an A.

Seminary is important… don’t just be a lazy slacker… but your ministry to your family trumps school any day. In fact, you can get an A in seminary and still fail the apostle Paul’s exam 1 Tim 3:4-5.

The family seems to always lose!

This week, the first week of classes, has been an extraordinarily busy week. For many seminary students, I am sure this is a true statement. For seminary students who either work in a secular job or a ministry at a local church, this is even more of a true statement.

This week, my church hosted a mission-intensive week we called “My Jerusalem Week.” We worked on our own facilities as well as worked around the community. We had something going on from 8 am to 9 pm each night from Monday through Friday. In addition to this, I had to continue to focus on my own area of ministry with the forthcoming church “school” year fast approaching.

As I stated earlier, this was also the first week of classes at Southern Seminary as well. I am taking Baby Greek which meets four days a week. I now have homework every night which has not happened in over 14 years! Plus, the class is at 7 am which is far too early to be learning a foreign language if you want my opinion.

I remember I wrote a post here at GtS back in March about how to avoid losing time with your family. Well, I must confess that I have failed miserably since June when Krista lost her job…again. This week it was made abundantly clear to me that my family must take priority over ministry and school. However, there is a season in both ministry and school where your time is demanded over your time with family. The problem is when both of these occur in the same week. Perhaps Paul was talking about just this situation when he wrote 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.

My challenge, to myself and to you, is to maintain a proper balance in life. Devote your precious, fleeting time to your family whenever you can. Yes, your relationship with God is of the utmost importance, but your time at the office or in the classroom should not affect your relationship with God. If you fail with your family, then I believe you will not have much of a ministry.

My question is how do you strike a balance? I know how I sometimes strike a balance, but I also know I fail regularly. Please, I would love to drink from your well of knowledge and experience in this area.

The family seems to always lose!

This week, the first week of classes, has been an extraordinarily busy week. For many seminary students, I am sure this is a true statement. For seminary students who either work in a secular job or a ministry at a local church, this is even more of a true statement.

This week, my church hosted a mission-intensive week we called “My Jerusalem Week.” We worked on our own facilities as well as worked around the community. We had something going on from 8 am to 9 pm each night from Monday through Friday. In addition to this, I had to continue to focus on my own area of ministry with the forthcoming church “school” year fast approaching.

As I stated earlier, this was also the first week of classes at Southern Seminary as well. I am taking Baby Greek which meets four days a week. I now have homework every night which has not happened in over 14 years! Plus, the class is at 7 am which is far too early to be learning a foreign language if you want my opinion.

I remember I wrote a post here at GtS back in March about how to avoid losing time with your family. Well, I must confess that I have failed miserably since June when Krista lost her job…again. This week it was made abundantly clear to me that my family must take priority over ministry and school. However, there is a season in both ministry and school where your time is demanded over your time with family. The problem is when both of these occur in the same week. Perhaps Paul was talking about just this situation when he wrote 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.

My challenge, to myself and to you, is to maintain a proper balance in life. Devote your precious, fleeting time to your family whenever you can. Yes, your relationship with God is of the utmost importance, but your time at the office or in the classroom should not affect your relationship with God. If you fail with your family, then I believe you will not have much of a ministry.

My question is how do you strike a balance? I know how I sometimes strike a balance, but I also know I fail regularly. Please, I would love to drink from your well of knowledge and experience in this area.

I’m back!  I’m sure no one has noticed, but since the last Love & Marriage post 6 weeks ago I’ve been missing in combat.  Jeff and I have discovered that — surprise! — baby #2 is on the way.  Consequently sleeping, throwing up, and consuming an embarrassing quantity of cheesy bean burritos has taken precedent over blogging of any sort.  But I’ve missed goingtoseminary, and I thought I’d share these details because as a mom in seminary, there have been a few more lessons than just those on the final exams.

I entered seminary three years ago a childless overachiever.  A 4.0gpa in high school and 3.97 in college, graduating in three years…I wasn’t sure how to slack off.  At graduation I spoke to the college students about Colossians 3:23, working at everything with all of our hearts, as unto the Lord.  And with conviction!  When seminary was coupled with working full-time and managing our home, it just meant a little less sleep–no big deal.  But then during Spring term of our first year, pregnancy hit and I was throwing up during class breaks, warding off migraines during finals, and eating saltines to stay awake during our late night classes.  It was then that one of our professors shared this with our class:  He said, “For some of you an “A” might be sin.  If you are working full time and have a family and are getting all A’s, then it’s highly likely that something or someone else is suffering.”   I don’t remember a whole lot about the parable structures in the synoptic gospels, but I sure remember that.

I entered seminary childless. I will graduate this year with two in diapers.  Jeff has sacrificed as well–giving his evenings to spend time with our son, then staying up until all hours of the night finishing papers and teaching outlines.  He always puts our family first, even when it means he can’t do as well as he’d probably like to on a particular assignment (why do overachievers marry overachievers? .  But I guess you’d say we’ve both realized along the way that not everything in our life can be given 100%.  Sometimes, “just enough” is all you’ve got.  They say that it’s not worth doing something unless you can do it well.  Three years ago I’d have hung that quote on my wall.  Today I say perhaps there are times when a little mediocrity is really excellence in disguise.  Today I’d say that “working with all your heart, as unto the Lord” can even mean skipping that last paper revision so you can skip rocks with your son.  It might mean (the horror!) missing an assignment so you don’t miss her recital. Perhaps there is a time when an “A” might be sin.

I’m back!  I’m sure no one has noticed, but since the last Love & Marriage post 6 weeks ago I’ve been missing in combat.  Jeff and I have discovered that — surprise! — baby #2 is on the way.  Consequently sleeping, throwing up, and consuming an embarrassing quantity of cheesy bean burritos has taken precedent over blogging of any sort.  But I’ve missed goingtoseminary, and I thought I’d share these details because as a mom in seminary, there have been a few more lessons than just those on the final exams.

I entered seminary three years ago a childless overachiever.  A 4.0gpa in high school and 3.97 in college, graduating in three years…I wasn’t sure how to slack off.  At graduation I spoke to the college students about Colossians 3:23, working at everything with all of our hearts, as unto the Lord.  And with conviction!  When seminary was coupled with working full-time and managing our home, it just meant a little less sleep–no big deal.  But then during Spring term of our first year, pregnancy hit and I was throwing up during class breaks, warding off migraines during finals, and eating saltines to stay awake during our late night classes.  It was then that one of our professors shared this with our class:  He said, “For some of you an “A” might be sin.  If you are working full time and have a family and are getting all A’s, then it’s highly likely that something or someone else is suffering.”   I don’t remember a whole lot about the parable structures in the synoptic gospels, but I sure remember that.

I entered seminary childless. I will graduate this year with two in diapers.  Jeff has sacrificed as well–giving his evenings to spend time with our son, then staying up until all hours of the night finishing papers and teaching outlines.  He always puts our family first, even when it means he can’t do as well as he’d probably like to on a particular assignment (why do overachievers marry overachievers? .  But I guess you’d say we’ve both realized along the way that not everything in our life can be given 100%.  Sometimes, “just enough” is all you’ve got.  They say that it’s not worth doing something unless you can do it well.  Three years ago I’d have hung that quote on my wall.  Today I say perhaps there are times when a little mediocrity is really excellence in disguise.  Today I’d say that “working with all your heart, as unto the Lord” can even mean skipping that last paper revision so you can skip rocks with your son.  It might mean (the horror!) missing an assignment so you don’t miss her recital. Perhaps there is a time when an “A” might be sin.

Guys, now’s the time when you go, make your wife a cup of tea, take the kids outside, and let her curl up on the couch with this blog. You’ll be glad you did.

I am so thankful for the unique opportunity of simultaneously being a seminary student and a seminary wife at the same time. Occasionally this feels a bit odd. At Multnomah there is a Student Wives Fellowship, a group that meets monthly in order for wives to feel more connected to each other. I never felt like that was the place for me. I wondered, Where is the Student Husbands Fellowship? Yeah, there isn’t one. Because, let’s face it, the majority of students in seminary are males. Trends are changing, but no matter what your position is on women in ministry, women will always have the unique and treasured job of childbearing, which means we will likely be spending more time changing diapers than studying theology.

However, I’m so thankful for the opportunity to be in seminary with my husband, and it’s made me aware of a few things I’d love to share with you. Whether you’re considering seminary, enrolled in your first year, or focused on the upcoming finish line, I pray this can be an encouragement to an inevitably weary soul.

Make Decisions Together

First, what I’ve discovered is that when our husbands sense God’s call to go to seminary, it is critical that we are in wholehearted agreement. If not, talk to him about it! The best piece of advice Jeff and I ever received with regards to making significant life decisions was, “Whatever you do, make sure you’re in total agreement. No matter what decision you make, if you’re both on board, you’ll make it through together.” We’ve succeeded and failed in this area. This past year we’ve been living with my parents in order to finish seminary full-time and have help with our 18-month-old son while we’re in class. Leaving our jobs, home, town, church, friends, and moving in with parents has been harder than we’d ever imagined. At times I’ve felt tempted to become bitter, murmuring to myself, “Why did I have to give up my home and my life so that Jeff could quit work to go to seminary?! I had to give up everything!” Whenever I’m tempted with these thoughts, you know what keeps me from going there?—remembering that we made this decision together. Together we decided to move, together we discerned this was God’s will, together we packed up all we owned and moved into their two guest bedrooms. I’m not a victim—we’re in this together.

So if your husband’s contemplating the call, seek God with all your heart to make sure you’re on the same page. Jeff teaches at a small Bible school in a nearby town, and sadly he recently had a student whose wife finally gave him an ultimatum—“You have to choose! It’s either me or school. You can’t have both.” That is the tragic end of a decision to pursue seminary that’s not made together.

Endure or Embrace?

Second, once we agree on the decision and take the plunge and head into this crazy world of seminary life, we choose one of two options: We endure or we embrace. To endure life as a seminary wife means we don’t complain when he stays up late to study, we don’t nag when doesn’t help give the kids their baths, we don’t whine when discretionary income is a distant memory. We bite our tongue and remind ourselves, this won’t last forever. Now that’s fine. It’s certainly better than a lot of responses. But it’s still incomplete. What I propose is that when God calls your husband to attend seminary, He calls you as well. In fact, I propose that your calling requires a steeper climb, a higher road, a costlier sacrifice. To embrace your husband’s calling to attend seminary means embracing the life that comes with that decision.

Now this will look different for every couple. I’m certainly not about to tell you how to do your marriage. Jeff and I have our ways of divvying up chores and responsibilities in a way that works for us. You have to find your own way. But embracing the call means joining him on the journey. The most difficult thing for couples in seminary is that fact that the husband is out experiencing profound spiritual truths, while the wife is often engulfed in the mundane details of work or home or kids or managing their life. So, how can we change this? Try reading a book he’s reading for class. Not enough time? Just read one chapter and discuss it with him. Read a paper he’s turning in and ask him about things that don’t make sense (or challenge him about things that aren’t well thought-through!). Visit a class once a month. Ask him to share with you some of the most impacting things he’s learning (and listen!). In short, as much as your schedule allows, experience seminary with him. Rather than seeing seminary as the enemy that prevents him from giving you the time and energy you desire, embrace it as a means of uniting with your husband in a whole new way. Join him on the journey.

And lastly, recognize that the spiritual and sensual are linked. Husbands can be tempted in good and bad ways during times of heightened spiritual experience. My pastor’s wife once told me, “My job is to seduce the pastor.” And that’s not degrading. You may write books, preach to thousands, have a successful career, raise children, empower people, but one of your jobs is to simply seduce the seminarian. Take it seriously.

That’s all for now. I’m thrilled to be included on this blog. I hope any of you wives and female students will contact me with thoughts, advice, woes, prayer requests, or questions. I’m just one girl, juggling the many hats we women are called to wear. My best to you all on the journey…it’s a sweet road ahead.

This post was written by Jeff of deTheos. Jeff is married to Kari and they have a son, Dutch. Jeff is currently attending Multnomah Biblical Seminary.

This year marks five years of marriage for my wife Kari and I; and three years in seminary, as students together. We have enjoyed every season of it, yet at times the various schedules of work and seminary life have collided to create a holy anticipation of rest.

Last summer we moved closer to school and family (in with Kari’s parents for a season), while I commuted 90 minutes each way to work. The plan was to leave my career in construction management in mid-August, allowing for a week or two of rest before Fall semester. But after giving five months notice at my job, we entered August without a replacement and no plan for a transition. Wanting to serve my boss and friend well to the very end, I stayed on part-time after Fall classes commenced. Sixteen graduate credits, added to 20-30 hours a week of work, added to being an intern with our church, and oh yeah, being a husband (of a seminary student too) and father. Something had to give. Praise God my part-time duties at my former job only stretched into the semester two months, and we were able to breath a little bit. While I was exhausted, it was probably hardest on Kari and our young son Dutch.

I had been using up every one of the 5,400 seconds during my commute home each night returning calls, processing the stress and strain of the day’s projects, and often listening to part of an audio sermon and worship music. Each night I arrived home emotional spent, and was ready to simply check out for the evening. But Kari and Dutch deserved so much more! He was growing up while I was away each day; Kari was clamoring to hear any news from the outside world (as we lived then and now with her parents). I simply gave her my mental left-overs.

In the middle of this season I read a quote from a book by pastor C.J. Mahaney. In Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God (pp. 49-50), he writes about transitioning one’s soul during the commute home from work. It struck me as powerful, practical, and very effective for being essentially a small thing. Seeking to do this has had great impact on our home life, and it is easy to tell when I haven’t paused and calmed my soul to be “all there” at home after a long day in class or at work. Let’s strive to be better husbands and fathers. Here is Mahaney’s story (emphasis added):

“When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.”In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

“So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve. This practice had a transforming effect, allowing me to walk through the front door with the mind and heart of a loving servant-leader. By God’s grace, I found it an excellent help in building a loving marriage, enjoying my family, and minimizing regret.”

There I find a practical, everyday example of being a selfless husband, rooted in the theology of Christ. Even now when my commute can vary from 10-60 minutes, the last part is best served to calm and transition my soul. That way I am better able to walk in the Spirit home and give Kari and Dutch much more than the left-overs of the day. Praise the Triune God for His patience with us.

This post was written by Jeff of deTheos. Jeff is married to Kari and they have a son, Dutch. Jeff is currently attending Multnomah Biblical Seminary.

This year marks five years of marriage for my wife Kari and I; and three years in seminary, as students together. We have enjoyed every season of it, yet at times the various schedules of work and seminary life have collided to create a holy anticipation of rest.

Last summer we moved closer to school and family (in with Kari’s parents for a season), while I commuted 90 minutes each way to work. The plan was to leave my career in construction management in mid-August, allowing for a week or two of rest before Fall semester. But after giving five months notice at my job, we entered August without a replacement and no plan for a transition. Wanting to serve my boss and friend well to the very end, I stayed on part-time after Fall classes commenced. Sixteen graduate credits, added to 20-30 hours a week of work, added to being an intern with our church, and oh yeah, being a husband (of a seminary student too) and father. Something had to give. Praise God my part-time duties at my former job only stretched into the semester two months, and we were able to breath a little bit. While I was exhausted, it was probably hardest on Kari and our young son Dutch.

I had been using up every one of the 5,400 seconds during my commute home each night returning calls, processing the stress and strain of the day’s projects, and often listening to part of an audio sermon and worship music. Each night I arrived home emotional spent, and was ready to simply check out for the evening. But Kari and Dutch deserved so much more! He was growing up while I was away each day; Kari was clamoring to hear any news from the outside world (as we lived then and now with her parents). I simply gave her my mental left-overs.

In the middle of this season I read a quote from a book by pastor C.J. Mahaney. In Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God (pp. 49-50), he writes about transitioning one’s soul during the commute home from work. It struck me as powerful, practical, and very effective for being essentially a small thing. Seeking to do this has had great impact on our home life, and it is easy to tell when I haven’t paused and calmed my soul to be “all there” at home after a long day in class or at work. Let’s strive to be better husbands and fathers. Here is Mahaney’s story (emphasis added):

“When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.”In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

“So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve. This practice had a transforming effect, allowing me to walk through the front door with the mind and heart of a loving servant-leader. By God’s grace, I found it an excellent help in building a loving marriage, enjoying my family, and minimizing regret.”

There I find a practical, everyday example of being a selfless husband, rooted in the theology of Christ. Even now when my commute can vary from 10-60 minutes, the last part is best served to calm and transition my soul. That way I am better able to walk in the Spirit home and give Kari and Dutch much more than the left-overs of the day. Praise the Triune God for His patience with us.